Little Caterpillar

Little Caterpillar 

pinkbutterfly.jpg

Little Caterpillar

Little caterpillar low on the ground

Trapped on your belly, crawling around

Seeing the world from the mud down below

You scamper and scurry with so many feet

Void of direction and feeling defeat

Never thinking your destination is more than you know

You take note of the birds and ponder the sky

A soul-haunting dream – oh that you could fly

The world is so big and then there’s just one little you

Sadly you scurry –  too many directions

Surviving your minutes and lacking protection

To not get trampled or picked; to just make it through

You are tired and weary, the days are so long

Your ears are atuned to a far-away song

So high in the trees, these birds sing out your name

You ignore it forever, but weariness wins,

You climb up the tree burdened with sins

To come up and visit, to rest a while from life’s game

Knowing nothing but dirt, you start the ascent

But your poor tired body is horribly spent

Your eyes are half closed and you feel as if you’re near dead

You slip into the darkness and welcome the cave

As you leave your tomorrows, ever so brave

Now high in the tree, rest your beautiful head

The deepest of sleeps has taken you now

The world left behind you, you’ve had your last bow

But sweet dreams of freedom sing louder, calling you near

You awake to realize you are chained in this cave

You struggle to free your self – ever so brave

If only you hadn’t awoken, sleep quenched your fear

You fight and you toil pushing hard with your force

Regretting the day that you changed to this course

Is this all that there is, this bondage-filled fate?

Yet the sun bursts through in a glorious stream!

A crack in the cave wall as if in a dream

So close to breaking out that you hardly can wait.

Away falls your prison, you are free now to crawl..

But wait, what is this, you’re not crawling at all

Beautiful wings envelope you, way up in that tree!

Oh my, that you would try to soar

You lift off, take flight, you see so much more.

Your every dream fulfilled after your toil

Things look different from where you are now

Hope crowns your tomorrows, joy lifts your brow

No more life in the dirt,  you are far from the soil

Fo

Little butterfly low on the ground
Trapped on your belly, crawling around
Seeing the world from the mud down below

You scamper and scurry with hundreds of feet
Void of direction and feeling defeat
Never thinking your destination is more than you know

You take note of the birds and ponder the sky
A soul-haunting dream – oh that you could fly
The world is so big and there is just one little you

Sadly you scurry – too many directions
Surviving your minutes and lacking protection
To not get stepped on or laughed at, to just make it through

You are tired and weary, the days are so long
Your ears are atuned to a far-away song
So high in the trees, these birds sing out your name

You ignore it forever, but weariness wins,
You climb up the tree burdened with sins
To come up and visit, to rest a while from life’s game

Knowing nothing but dirt, you start the ascent
But your poor tired body is horribly spent
Your eyes are half closed and you feel as if you’re half dead

You slip into the darkness and welcome the cave
As you leave your tomorrows, ever so brave
Finally there, now rest your beautiful head

The deepest of sleeps has taken you now
The world left behind you, you’ve had your last bow
But sweet dreams of freedom sing louder, calling you near

You waken and realized you are chained in this cave
You struggle to loose your self – ever so brave
If only you hadn’t awoken, sleep quenced your fear

You fight and you toil pushing hard with your force
Regretting the day that you changed to this course
Is this all that there is, this bondage-filled fate?

Yet the sun bursts through in a glorious stream!
A crack in the cave wall as if in a dream
So close to breaking out that you hardly can wait.

Away falls your prison, you are free now to crawl..
But wait, what is this, you’re not crawling at all
Beautiful wings envelope you, way up in that tree!

Oh my that you would try to soar
You lift off, take flight, you see so much more.
Your every dream fulfilled after your toil

Things look different from where you are now
Hope crowns your tomorrows, joy lifts your brow
No more life in the dirt, you are far from the soil

from decades ago – You’re My Mom

You’re My Mom – from decades ago
This is a simple poem that I wrote for my mother many, many years ago. I am sooooooooo DYING to change things in it as there is sooooooooo much room for improvement, but the simple message that I was trying to give her of appreciation and love rings strong and so, like the frame that it sits in on her dresser in my handwriting, I will leave it and share it…

You’re My Mom

Mommies often don’t get credit
for what they say and do
Always there to care and love
and teach us what to do
How to sit and how to walk
How to act and how to talk
Up real early with breakfast for all
Curing a knee from a bicycle fall
Atttentively watching those important school plays
Rooting for their kids at their annual play days Loving kisses good-bye and kisses hello
Always ready to come and ready to go
Cleaning up messes from millions of toys
Forgetting what peace is,
surrounded by noise
Loving the smiles and drying the tears
Erasing the monsters and calming the fears
There’s a lot I could say about having a Mom
But it’s never enough because Mom…
You’re my Mom

Love you lots Mommy…

Deep deep inside yougo – ready to get real?

Deep deep inside you go – ready to get real?

Occasionally I fill out surveys. This is NOT one of them. I usually post surveys on my bulletin if I am bored. This is not here for kudos nor to show anything more than some of my heart to all of you and hope to see some of yours too.

Following is a list of probing questions that require thought and heart to fill out. Would love to read everyone’s reposted answers as you really do have ot dig deep to get to the answers (thank you Mysoulwanders for this)

whoa… deep questions

25 Deep Questions

1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling them how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?

Moments of the heart never make me uncomfortable. They are to be cherished.

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry?
I get angry at unrighteousness. False accusations and unfairness. It is inappropriate for me to say the last time I was angry, but I was very wronged as was my child who was also dragged into the ugly situation. Neither my child nor I acted out in an angry reaction, but I discussed it with him as a life lesson. We received an apology 2 weeks later.

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call?

My children.

4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?:

Spend it with my children and not tell them until the end. Tell the man I love and have that time with him also but tell him sooner so that we could have more time together. Love is too precious to let go of.

5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love or Trust;

Trust, Because Love without trust is void.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?:

Save the dog. I choose to do the right things for the right reasons and let the rest fall into place.

7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?

It is hard to answer this because I have never and never would. But let me explain something. I was not faithful to my husband because I loved him, nor because he was my husband. I was faithful to him only because I took the vows before God and did not want to be unfaithful to God.. That makes things different.

8. Your best friend confesses that she has feelings for you more then just friendship. She is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?:
Really hard to say other than work through the feelings and tell him I don’t feel the same. It would alter the relationship forever though. Our heart cannot be turned on and off.

9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?

I would give up far more than an hour to have my daddy back for a bit and just to have him touch my hand the way that he did, smile at me the way that he did, hear his voice (I dont have it even on video camera or anywhere), to hear him call me sweetpea, to laugh with him, cry with him, show him my babies, tell him how proud I am and how far I have come in life’s hard journey… what I would not give for that.

10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a
friend?

Most definitely

11. Does love = sex.

Absolutely not. (read my blog and the comments)
Making love with one that you have true love with is worth a million years of no sex. I treasure the few times that I have had had that and never ever will choose sex period. Not my choice in live to live less than with the gifts and treasures that God has for me.

13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?:

Hmmm… so many deep, difficult decisions like that in my life. Probably with my eldest daughter to encourage her with decisions that she needs to make and why she needs it. What we said though is private to her.

14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend, you love them or that you do not love them back?

I have been the one that is not loved back and it was hard for him. I know this and yet my heart is true to its own feelings.

15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?

Thing = my faith
People – my children

16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?

My kids today. I am blessed beyond measure and I love them with all of who I am.

18. Imagine, it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?

“And I know that there are angels all around”. If you mean a person… then the man that makes me feel like my world is safest in his arms.

19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?

Yes. Social status should not dictate who shall live and who shall
die.

21. You are holding onto your grandmothers hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your reason for making the decision?

Both my grandma and I would know that there is a life beginning that unquestionably is the undeniable choice. But I would give up mine to save both if I could.

22. Are you old fashion?
In many ways including sex, love, morals and values.

23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?

that is my life

24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?

True Love. I have had it and would live it again for the short time that I have had it rather than to not love. The depth of vulnerability coupled with the beauty of being inside another’s soul is astounding

25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?

To effectively and continually help the broken-hearted in this world. To teach them that pain is for healing not hiding.. get through it with God’s help and live in peace and true inner joy

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and Stones

I go to bed every night with The Stones. This week they are doing things to my body that only they can do. They move me in ways that bring me to tears. I writhe from them, moan from them and scream from them. They tell me its because I really rock.

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
These demons rage inside me

Through searing pain
They torment again
Once again they’ve tried me

Jagged edges drill their way
Wreaking havoc as they play
Assaulting, charging, attacking bringing me down

Mocking laugh, heard through my cries
My world disabled as my sanity dies
This week my banner is pain and tears my crown

I think that fate was a little too attentive to me from time to time in my childhood. Like many children, one of my mantras was the infamous “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” Says who????? STONES FREAKING KILL!!!!! You put up with them as they wind their way through your body and then they go and stab you in the back. (Really, that is what it feels like.) This last one has left me the gift of now knowing what a nasty kidney infection feels like. Wow. An experience like no other.

Ok – done with my self-pity, venting session. There is a bright side to all of this.. really.. Being off my feet this ENTIRE week has given me time to write and write and write.. It is a gift to be cocooned in my bed, laptop on my belly and just have reading and writing as my only pastime. I can’t say it is like a mini vacation, but I can say that the time to read some of the awesome blogs I have come across this week and to be able to share some of my life and heart has been awesome.

Love and blessings..

Easter

His Battle

His Battle

The battle that surrounds you is of spirit, not your own
I told you it is Mine and so it is

Rest in this secret place as you worship Me alone
Give unto Him that which is His

Though demons rage and beasts abound
On Me make your weary eyes gaze

My child you stand on Holy Ground
When with angels, you sing out My praise

My victory lies in weapons fashioned not by hand
The sword of the spirit yet is prayer

The battle of Jericoh was won by a band
The enemy fled as worship filled the air

You continue your worry, concerned for tomorrow
Not trusting in My perfect strength

My children all learn that their own path brings sorrow
I’m their redeemer no matter sin’s length

So stand up equiped to war your enemy’s attack
Be still and pick up your sword

Put on praise, truth and righteousness, to cover your back
This victory won, faith’s reward

Lifting of the Veil

One day I looked at you
I gave you my heart
I wanted to be in love
I wanted you to love me
I gave it my all
I tried so hard
I reached, I stretched,
I bent, I posed

One day I realized that I was not good enough
I was not smart enough
I did not work hard enough
I did not keep house well enough
I did not try hard enough
I did not raise my children well
I did not make enough money
I did not sacrifice enough
I was too ugly to please you
I was not loyal enough
I was not thin enough
I did not love well enough
I was a bad wife
I just was not good enough
I broke
I shattered

One day I lay crying in the closet
Nothing I did worked
You hated me
You were never happy
You ever raged at me
You rejected all that I gave you
You ever accused me to be what I was not
You wanted someone better
You wanted a good wife
You needed someone smarter
You needed someone to take better care of you
You needed a better mother to your children
You needed someone who would try even harder
My world was shattered
Every dream I had robbed
Every hope I had ripped from deep within me

One day I looked at myself and the veil was gone
Dear God – could it be true?
I was not stupid
I did not look fat
I was not ugly
I was not a whore
I was a loving mother
I was a loyal friend
I was bright and eager
I was loved by my friends
I was liked by my co-workers
I was always good at my job
I was nurturing and kind
I was funny and sweet
I was a faithful wife
I was an abused woman

One day I looked at you and the veil was gone
I saw you for who you are
I saw that you lived in a world of fury and rage
I saw that you lived in jealousy gone mad
I saw that even the parents that raised you were useless in your eyes
I saw that you thought the world owed you
I saw that you thought you were God’s gift to humanity
I saw that you could not keep a friend
I saw that you did not care to earn a living except through me
I saw that your children were not important enough for you to work for
I saw that I was nothing more to you than any of the whores you slept with
I saw that you did not know me
I saw that you never did a thing to make life better
I saw that you did not see me for what I am
I saw that the crack you smoked was more important than food on the table
I saw that you did not want to stop it
I saw that you did not want the help I had struggled through giving you
I saw that you despised everyone and everything laid in your path
I saw that I needed to leave you

Today I look back and now I see
I see God by my side cradling me through those years
I see friends that perservered through the blockaded doors
I see children that have suffered and scarred terribly
I see a world which offers no end to suffering
I see a woman that has overcome
I see a life that has new beginnings
I see promises of God’s restoration
I see that I am still afraid to hope
I see the damage done is slowly healing
I see the good that sharing can do
I see that this could help you

Or someone you know.

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