The old man at the shooting range gave me a glance,
Nodded hello as he took on his stance
He frowned as he squinted and pointed his gun
Shot at the target and was off by just one
He scowled and examined the shot that he made
Grunting as always – a game that we played.
He swore under his breath, ugly and terse,
Hating women all over – each given a curse
“Never trust in a woman”; his usual line
“Close off your heart and then you’ll be fine
They will use you and spite you and laugh in your face
leaving you broken and left in disgrace”
“Close off your heart, they are God’s form of sin”
“They will trap you and use you – take all from within”
His face is enraged as he recounts his tales
Spewing his fury as his ired tongue flails
My heart starts to quiver as I listen again
To his sad, haunting saga, full of such pain
My heart knows full well, of that which he tells
Knows the hurt and the bitterness with which his heart swells
Is this all there is? I wonder out loud…
This man wears his hurt like a life-draining shroud.
Covering his heart in a safe concrete prison
Keeping out love, emotion and vision.
I stare at him blankly.. is this my future as well?
Living each day in my personal hell?
Will I stare in my bitterness at each blameless lady,
Accusing them, hating them, convinced that they’re shadey
I have learned to ignore that gnawing inside,
That screams of my loneliness, of wanting a bride
I have friends, I have lovers, all are just fine,
Turning off my desire for an angel that’s mine
I stare at his anger, just masking his sadness.
Hollowed out eyes that just cover his madness
I am gripped with a fear “am I going to be this”?
Will I never bask in a love-embraced kiss?
I am tearing inside as I see my tomorrows.
God tell me they wont be filled with such sorrow!
This thought is so real that my heart wants to cry.
Yet there’s safety in nothingness, so why should I try?
I rest where I am and no one comes in,
I might not have love, but I sure dont risk pain
I battle my heart with my colder, wise head
living in emptieness… ok – enough said
A sad hurting heart,
what makes it better?
toke of a fat one
an expensive new sweater?
sex like an animal
tv and sloth?
eathing ice cream, junk food
and home made broth?
self pity and wallowing
crying to friends?
shouting out curses
till your voice freaking ends?
cutting and marking
the body your given?
working all hours
pretending your driven?
joy riding, free riding
fast sexy cars?
drinking till drunk
at sleezy dark bars?
the touch of a stranger
you paid 80 bucks for?
smashing your head
who knows what the f** for?
needles and pills,
organics and greens?
hot porno movies
with sweet little teens?
I’m looking you say
in all kinds of places
theres no freakin end
to the sea of numb faces
Eyes staring back at me
empty and numb
enraged and tormented
senseless and dumb?
Where has my life gone
as I’ve coddled my pain?
I only wanted escape
to help keep me sane
Surely the answer
is bigger than me
beyond my weak thinking
so where can it be?
I heard of this guy
who calls himself saviour
i laughed at my friends
as they tried His sweet flavour
But nothing is left now
I’ve tried every vice
their prayers are ridiulouus
they say He paid the price
it’s all that is left,
to call out His name
i dont have the courage
but my life needs a frame
“jesus” I whisper,
“Jesus” I call
“Can you hear my heart crying?”
“can you help me?” I ball
Like light in the darkness,
I feel His sweet touch
The world melting around me
as I bask and I clutch
I want to hang on forever
I want to live in this love
is this all I needed?
This touch from above?
“JESUS!!” I shout out
You are all that I need!
On you I will nourish
On you I will feed
Forever and always
joy from His hand
the gift of salvation
is mine as I stand
Lord help Your children
to know who you are
creator and saviour
father and more
Thank you for saving me
from the enemies twine
from false comfort and bandaids
the truth now is mine
Many of you who have already read through my blogs or who have spent any time with me know my view on the walls that we put up and how I have painfully removed mine to be able to live from my heart and despite the risks of leaving my heart open at times, the peace and true joy that I have found from this has blessed me tremendously.
When we have been deeply hurt by those we love and trust in life, with reason we methodically build walls to protect our hearts, to keep risk at bay and to purposely keep everyone out. It works. No heart, no hurt. Walls offer a surface life where we can exist politely, exist by sailing through, affection without emotion, friends without relationhip, sex without love. Great bandaids. Just enough to keep the emotions, spirit and heart comforted without allowing the razor-sharp arrow of love to invade our lives.
It works… until true love invites itself and decides that it has vacated for long enough. True love does not settle at the surface but by its very nature insists and perserveres relentlessly until it is in the midst of the heart and stands there steadfast demanding only the fullness that it has to offer. The victem of this attack of love is left feeling violated, perhaps even raped as their whole world is turned upside down. All the patterns, the behaviours, the systems that so efficiently kept every emotion and feeling in check, now useless before them. They are left helpless to this overwhelming and surprisingly massive power of love within them.
So what to do? Life is just so seemingly easier with little bandaids, why have surgery? Panic at first… Maybe even succumb to this for a bit to taste of it’s bitter sweetness. So delightful to let go, but RISK is screaming in your face to cover up cover up, cover up!!!! NO NO NO NO NO screams everything within you. Your head is in utter distress, trying to analyze the situation.. totally unable to relate to the foreign thinking of your heart. Your body longing for just the simplicity of a good lay, but your heart telling you that there is so much more when you join with someone in mind, soul, spirit, emotion, body and heart. Your emotions longing to just go back to comfort mode.. alarms of potential hurt raging within you… Everything screams NO!!!!!! Except for your heart. Your heart which has been so carefully burried, so systematically ignored, so meticulously disregarded. Why the heck does love have to come along?
Fear is the enemy of the heart. Thinking is the robber of living from the heart. Deception is the comfort that keeps the heart far from depth. Living from the surface a very lously bandaid offering false comfort.
I have come to realize that the walls that people live in do not protect them at all. They simply take from us the opportunity to live in fullness, to walk in true joy, true peace and true love. They steel the fire from our eyes, the delight from our laughter, and the depth from our relationships.
Who am I to tell you to live by your heart? Who am I to tell you to risk tearing down that comfortable place that you have so carefully built. As I lie with my heart raw, exposed, vulnerable and tender to the point of stupidity, who am I to tell you to try it? Sitting here proving your very own self prophecy, who am I to tell you that if you take a chance, you won’t get hurt? Why risk the bruising, the tearing and possibility of being ripped apart by the beauty that love offers?
I can only say that my heart has a taste of hope to have all that I dream of. My heart has a dedication to receive all that God has for me and I will not settle for less. I will not be robbed of the beauty of love, even with the bitter shadow of hurt that looms with every relationship.
I will not be robbed, so sledgehammer to the threat of walls it is for me.
Well I was thinking about this today and after getting a few replies in my private email (thank you) my turn to answer.
I guess the answer to the 1st question (the memory of the day you would bring with you to heaven for eternity) can only be that day that I knew I was part of the Kingdom of God. Sound corny? I don’t care. Think about it. It was that day that I knew that my future, no matter what it was would end in my creator’s arms. It was that day that I handed the well-being of my children into His arms. It was that day that I knew that i knew what He meant when He says: “for I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Then you will call upon Me and I will listen… you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all of your heart.” (Jer 29:11)
The second one… (if you could create the perfect day) well that one rips me apart just trying to think of the things that I would have in that day. I mean.. your imagination can run wild with thoughts of the things that mean the most to you and recreate some of your special memories…
I would fill it with the treasures in time like the moment that you first looked into your babies’ eyes and you see them staring at you.. locked in on you – not on your nose or chin or hair but born KNOWING to lock in on your eyes… shattering your composure and bringing you instant and intense love like never before. There are the moments of your babies holding your hand through their cribs’ playing with your finger or thumb or whatever that one’s particular comfort was. OOOhhh and I would fill it with their smell… the sweet smell of a just-nursed baby’s breath… the smell of their fine hair… the feel of their perfectly soft skin and of course – the smell of their tiny-little toes stuffing into my nose as they giggle. I would want to have the taste of fresh, sweet strawberries with just-whipped cream on my tongue.. I would want to have a field of flowers and walk alone… letting the fragrance impregnant me, through and around me; the colours dazzling me beyond joy as we know it.. I would want to minister God’s love the way He has me do often. Leave a window of space for Him to cross whoever He would like be a few or be it many just so I could share the beauty and reality of His undying love for us. I would want to go to the ocean.. smell the salt and feel the wind in my face. Hear the waves whispering to me in the distance.. savour the kiss of the sun on my-upraised cheeks, drinking it in. I would want to look into the eyes of the man that would have cherished me forever… I would talk to the angels… letting them sing their songs around me and hearing their stories… seeing them carry some of the glory of God on them.. If there is a soul-mate for me somewhere, then I would want to hold his hand, feel his fingers on my face and taste his lips on mine while his eyes are locked into mine. I would want to have a time to just worship God. I mean the real I know who He is kind of worship. The kind that covers you with goosepimples from head to toe as you get so caught up in it that you lose yourself. (as you can kinda see, I must really like those “lose yourself in it” intense moments). I would most definitely have to have time with my daddy (he passed 14 yrs ago, but if it is my day then I will create it the way that I want). I would want to feel his fingers tracing me along the edges of my face the way that he used to when he was putting me to sleep as a smile child. And definitely would have to sing with my sisters – lol – we think we’re great but man of man we sure dont have any fans for a good reason. I would have to have a 1/2 hour of the corniest puns and plays on words that the world ever saw with my brother as my mom laughed us oblivious to the tangent of the moment that we had. I would want to taste snowflakes on my tongue. Even better.. go for a walk on a wonderful starry winter night with big, fat chunky snowflakes gently dancing their way down from the dark sky. I would want to hold my beloved’s hand as we are wrapped in bulky warm clotes and boots, our cheeks red from the cold and flushed from being together. The snow would crunch under our feet as it was beautiful and untouched. The odd silence that only this type of winter night can offer would fill the atmosphere. Glancing at each other and laughing at the snowflakes on our eyelashes. I would want time to cuddle by the fireplace with all of my family… enjoying their silence, their cuddles and the touch of their hands wrapped in mine. My daughter would say to me “do you love me?” and I would answer “will you love me forever” and she would say “do you need me”… and we would continue while laughing and then break into the song… My eldest son would have his nose buried in a book and look up with a private giggle with no mind or matter that there are others around him.. My youner son would be telling me a story of his day.. all energetic and eager… sharing his never-dying opinions on something… My little one would be having me read with her… interrupting our reading often to chatter about every random thoughtthat crosses her mind in an unending barage of thoughts, comments, and opinions. I would be longing to make the moments with them last. Wanting to smell them as they are now… never to forget and praying that the smell will linger with me for eternity… I would want to go on the roof (a flat one of course) with my beloved and lie beside him.. gazing at the stars… holding hands and satiating each other with our longing for each others’ presense. Quiet whispers of love… fingers tangled in hair… two glasses of white wine.. ice to play with and soft giggles and relaxed love that comes with two that are part of each other. I would end my perfect day in prayer again.. thanking my creator for all the things that I have always had to treasure… for all that I have been gifted with.. for all that has been endowed to me that has always been here even in the dark days. That He loved me enough to give me that day.
Now, I’m going to try something different here and throw you 2 questions… be open minded… even if you don’t answer me it is great food for though and I will tell you my response if you wish to the same questions. (found this on the internet, but it so moved me that I had to share it with you)
You’ve died and gone to heaven where God meets you at the gates. He informs you that the first rule to entering heaven is that you can only bring with you the memory of one day and only one days’ memory of your time on earth. He then snaps his fingers and your whole life flashes before you. At the end of your life story he asks, “of all your earthly experiences which day do you want to remember for all eternity”.
Now, what day would you choose?
Same scenario but God decides to give you the opportunity to create the one perfect day (24 hours) of memories. He snaps his fingers again and you are sent back to earth with two weeks to plan and execute your perfect day, and the only day you’ll ever remember. Now, what people, places, experiences and things would you include and what things do you now do that you definitely would not include?
Would you want to remember rain and possibly a thunderstorm, only sunshine or maybe snow? A concert with lots of people, solitude, intimacy? Family? Animals? Would you want time on a beach and if so with who? Would you do something to get the heart pumping to remember a good adrenaline rush?
Turn Your Eyes Towards Him
When the sun is clouded by worries and fears
When your eyes are glistening with fresh, warm tears
When the hope that was in there has now disappeared
Then turn your eyes towards Him
When the morrow is hazy, and blurred in your view
When the evening grass is not glittered with dew
When your heart is so heavy it can’t see what’s true
Then turn your eyes towards Him
He silently waits for the morning to break
He stretches His hand to heal every ache
He waits for your courage – your burdens to take
For your eyes to turn towards Him
So reach out your hand in courage and faith
Know He’s there; He patiently waits
Boldly step out and walk through His gate
And turn your eyes towards Him