Not Yours

Photo by Easter Ellen

Not Yours


I know your voice, I’d bid you goodbye


I sent you away, and still you draw nigh


As if you own a part of my fragile spirit


Closer you slink, black heart; how I fear it


I grieve at the thought of you again in my bed


I loathe just thinking of you raping my head


I mourn for the days you’ve stripped from me


I thought you were gone, I was finally free


I feel the breath of your lulling, cold voice


Seducing me back to this place of ill-choice


You persistently woo with your eerie song


Chanting a death-tole of all I’ve done wrong 


Tentacles reaching like death in a flood


Talons dig rivets of my soul’s frail blood


Night drawing closer, it never will end


Leaving me too weak to speak; to fend


You’ve slithered in stealth to numb my thoughts


My days are despair and my nights are naught


It’s you I’ve detested, it’s you I’ve fought


But sometimes it seems you are all I’ve got


I wait for You God, ever Yours, I wait


I will not accept this poisonous fate


I wait for You Lord, ever Yours, I wait


Only Your hand can pull me out of this state

19 Comments on “Not Yours

  1. You poem is sad and beautiful. The feeling in it really lingers and holds me as I read it. Bless you for sharing it.


        • Oh no… please try to keep up at least reading.. maybe it will help. And if you can comment, I can keep praying for whatever you specifically need that day 🙂


            • 🙂 I have a friend who has seen me through years of fighting depression, going through things first with my husband and then with my daughter. She has always told me to stay in touch as we all need each other to pray and believe in.


              • At the moment I’m struggling over whether to do a post about depression–it seemed a great idea when I wrote it this weekend, but now I’m reluctant to leave myself so exposed. It’s one thing to write “depressed poetry”, quite another to describe bits of personal story in unveiled prose.


                • .. I know… you know that I do both. (ie the posts about my daughter and many more through the years).

                  Are there people that know you personally on here? Family members or people that you would not want to have read this?


                  • I’m completely estranged from my family, and never use my legal name on the blogs–so I’m not concerned about them discovering me. But I kinda have a reputation for being one of God’s cheerleaders–entertaining and encouraging–so it can be difficult to “remind” folks that my life and faith are not effortless, that I have dark times. People don’t know what to say–and then our enemy starts tap-dancing on my head, saying I’m a poor witness, etc etc. So–I guess I could post it, and if I feel it’s a mistake, I could pull it down in a day or 2. It’s a gamble–but then, isn’t life a daily gamble? Yes.


                    • You know,,, when I started to really get interested in blogging last year, I knew that I would have to stand with a vulnerable and open approach.

                      God has made you a cheerleader, but even cheerleaders need support. Reputations are not something that God looks at. He looks at our hearts and our actions.
                      Are there some that may decide to not like you because you are in a different place right now? Possibly. But there are those that may need to identify with what you write and see God’s love in your posts despite what a hard place you are in right now.
                      Have you not found words of encouragement in what I share? Most of it has come from the wounds that have so hurt me. When I share something about the pain I still have in life, do you desert me or do others? no. There may be some people that just don’t know what to say, but there will be others that need to see that you are as vulnerable as they are.
                      That God’s love in your heart will still penetrate through the darkness and that God will never leave you.
                      Do not keep this part of your walk to yourself. Just use His strength, His love, His who He has put in your life to uplift and strengthen you.
                      Be blessed dear sister in God and know that you are deeply and completely loved.


                    • WOW, you are really His messenger tonight–thank you, thank you! We know who the author of fear and insecurity is, and we know his goal is to prevent us from being used–and then gradually, or quickly, kill us off. Thank you, thank you–for standing with me–you’re a blessing! I’m going to go click Publish now–see you later; xxxooo


                    • 🙂 I am so happy that you found meaning in what my heart wanted to speak to you. I know that this is a more difficult path for you as it is new territory, but trust in God and He will lead you “for there is an angel I have prepared for you along the way”.
                      I will check out your post in a little while.. Just catching up on comments now!


I love and appreciate feedback. Feel free to let me know what you think. Bless you lots, Easter Ellen

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