Mother’s Day Healing

Mothers’ Day Healing..

From the The Healing Place (a continuation)

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I need to write this. I have been unable to write today because this is all that I can think about. My heart is aching and perhaps writing this will help.

I recently posted about my eldest daughter. She is so very lost. A drug addict who will do anything for what she needs.

In The Healing Place, I spoke about the journey, watching her helplessly as she spiralled downwards and how terrible it was to be so incapable to make her change her choices.

I had a busy weekend (hence no posts), however yesterday, being Mother’s Day, I reposted a poem that I wrote for my mom in my teens, just because she keeps it framed on her dresser and that means a lot to me.

My beloved took me out for breakfast as we did a bit of last-minute shopping for his birthday, which was also yesterday. As we were driving home, he startled me saying “there’s your daughter! I just saw your daughter”. He pulled over, I stuck my head out the window and saw a remnant of the person that she used to be staggering along the street towards us.

She saw the car and started to cry out “help me, please help me!” She hadn’t recognized me or the car. When she finally did, she ran to us saying “Mommy, mommy.. please help me! I lost my wallet, I need money I lost everything I need help, can you give me $40?”. One run-on string of words begging for money. She remembered at some point that it was Mothers’ Day and said that my gift was in her wallet and she needed “to find it, can you give me, please can you give me $40 I really need it, you don’t understand, I had your gift in there… “

At this point I came to realize that there was no wallet, that it was just about money (seems like it would be obvious, but it wasn’t, to me). It is not easy to see your own child in such a place. We got out of the car and looked for the wallet that wasn’t there.

Not finding it after ten minutes, we offered to drive her home (she does not live with us). “No, no, no.. I just need to find my wallet, please can you just give me the money, look at those earrings I bought you years ago, don’t you know how much I love you? Don’t you know I’d do anything for you?” I knew what she was thinking. I didn’t have any cash on me, so I started to take off my earrings and give them to her. My boyfriend told me not to, that she would just pawn them, but she had already snatched them out of my hand.

She said that she would give them back. I begged her not to pawn them. Seeing that I’d given them to her, my boyfriend pulled $40 out of his wallet and gave it to her and said to please give my earrings back. She grabbed the money saying “thank you, thank you, thank you”, but the earrings remained in her back pocket. We were both stunned. She had given me  the earring that I wear every single day as a gift about eight years ago, before she was as bad off as she is now.

Her smell of sweat, rancid clothes that needed washing, oily perspiration from needing a fix, filled the car. She stood outside the car and then took off. He told me to follow her and get my earrings back. He said I’d never see them again.

She rushed over to a store, but even before I had caught up, the store owner was yelling at her to get out. She came back to the car and my boyfriend threatened to call the police. He raised his voice at her, she gave one back. I pleaded, she stood stubbornly.

I prayed to God. “Why, why have I bumped into her like this today, on Mothers’ Day?” “Lord, What is it that You want to show me, teach me, do for her?”

I spoke to her telling her that these are the only things that I have that are a piece of her and that they mean the world to me. She stood stubbornly, but then just gave me the other earring and took off.

She called me several times that evening, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.

I had to see. I had to see who she is in truth without any veils of remembering who she was. Without remembering the pain of the beautiful little girl that would shine in every crowd, that spoke so very early, that would give me anything, that would do anything for me.

I can’t believe in the past. I must see the present so that I can pray for who she is, not was. To pray for God has planned for her, instead of what my own hope has been. I only can pray into God’s will for her and nothing else.

44 Comments on “Mother’s Day Healing

  1. Easter,

    I hurt for you.

    The mother of my 3 daughters was an addict even before I met her. She was in a women’s half-way house over Christmas one time when they were old enough to remember. By the house rules where she was, we were allowed to visit her one hour that Christmas Day.

    The AA I sobered up in was straight “white-knuckle”. It stated that an addict will not truly try to recover until they are “sick and tired of being sick and tired”. NOTHING else works! (It’s true.)

    I share some of my history in this case to let you know how truly I hurt for you.

    May God Bless. ❤

    Like

  2. I dont know what to say. Its not what we expect on Mothers Day is it, not whats in the brochure thats for sure and definitely not what we see in the rosy Hallmark ads. Its real life with all its wonders and pain. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing such a raw emotional story.

    Like

    • Thanks so much Karen. You have put it so well, “not in the brochure… Hallmark ads”.
      Real life can be so painful, this was, a painful Mothers’ Day gift, but one that allowed me to see my child without the Rose-coloured glasses that I have always tended towards preferring over reality.

      I thank you, again, for your heart-felt care and compassion.. Bless you lots,
      Easter

      Like

  3. I feel the pain through your writing! I am so sorry you have to go through this and your daughter! You and your family will be in my thoughts! ((HUGS))

    Like

  4. I know it’s easier said than done. And I also know that you may have heard it plenty of times before. But please don’t lose hope, for yourself and your daughter. It is only God who can turn anything around. And HE listens no matter what we may think. I will also pray that your daughter finds her way back.

    Like

    • Thank you so much.. I haven’t lost hope in God for this.. but realized that my hope, which had been more focused on her deciding to change, to conform to what I hoped for her, was praying more out of my own wants.
      In putting it all in God’s hands and trusting that He will ever hold her in His hands, my hope is only in Him.
      It has been a hard day today and it has me down, but God will use this, will comfort my soul and fill me with His love.
      Thank you so much for your kindness, for your care and your prayers.
      May you be abundantly blessed,
      Easter

      Like

    • 🙂 Thank you Krista.. that means a lot to me. My tagline says the perfect words for today “nakedly sharing my life with words that urge me to write them”.
      Every time I tried to start to write about anything else, my heart was filled with the raw pain of yesterday.
      There are so many parents/siblings/grandparents/wives/husbands, etc that suffer with loved ones’ addictions. So destructive.
      I can only hope, in posting this, that one heart reads it and chooses a different path for their own life, or that another is comforted in knowing that someone else is walking the same road.
      Thank you again and bless you lots,
      Easter

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You should try to see the person not the addict and know that an addict’s behaviour is only a symptom of their illness. Some life journeys are incredibly difficult for those who embark on them and also for those who remain. Addictions are journeys, with unknown destinations for everyone involved, but there is only one starting place. That is why you must never lose sight of your Daughter, because if you fail to see her through the ugliness of her illness, how will she ever find her way home to you if you stop looking. You are her sanctuary in the storm of her life, she might not know it now, but when she really needs you, it will not be about money.
    Finding your way home can be as challenging as any outward journey, but to lose sight of your home is far more damaging. These are my personal thoughts after reading your post; I am not being judgemental as nothing about your situation is easy. I took a journey many years ago, no one looked out for me and so, I was lost to them. Picking up the phone might make a difference. Be strong.

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    • Thank you for your well-thought out and kind, loving response. I should have added that I always call her and I always tell her that I love her no matter what and that I will be there when she is ready to make the hard choices she has to make. I know that she is just not there yet.
      Yesterday was so difficult because I think for the first time, I saw the true ugliness of the addiction. I have gone through years and years of battling this with her and taken physical and verbal abuse to myself and other children, taken her to rehab several times..
      Just yesterday was hard for me..
      I know that I am the one person she hangs onto for hope and I won’t take that away from her. I just couldn’t talk to her last night, but did early today.
      Thank you again.
      I am so grateful to hear of your own overcoming of your struggles and you have so much to be proud of and thankful for. Bless you.

      Like

      • All you can do is be there, you can do no more, but you should not allow yourself to be abused. You are offering something better than the life she lives, that life and it behaviours belongs elsewhere.

        There is nothing easy in your situation, there are no wrongs and no rights, there is just a transient reality, but a reality none- the less; a real connection.

        I have never seen my life journey as a struggle, although I suspect other have and still do. I am thankful for the life I have lived because I think I have turned out to be okay. I have a beautiful wife and 3 fantastic sons. If you had asked me when I was younger if I ever thought I would be in this place, I would had said no, I would be dead. Life is full of surprises don’t you think…….

        Anyway, it is late and I need some sleep.

        paul

        Like

  6. Thank you for sharing so honestly. I am so sorry for this difficult experience. May our God of hope show Himself strongly as Deliverer and Redeemer and give you extra portions of peace.

    Like

    • I so appreciate your kind prayers and thoughts. It was very difficult to write this, but I knew that I had to. I know that God is faithful and keeps His promises. Her heart is His to wrestle with. I am to be there loving her through this and when she is ready.. stand by her side.
      Bless you Renee and thank you so very much.
      Easter

      Like

  7. If you were in front of me I would have given you a tight hug…and hats off to you for sharing it with the world…it really needs lots of courage…I am sure someday she will comeback to her mother…but you stay positive and don’t lose hope…

    Like

  8. Sorry to hear that Easter. You can still get the real of her back. She is lost as you said. If you have seen the movie “The Basket Ball Diaries”, maybe you have to call the police or maybe get her to hospital. Once she is clean, you can watch her for few days. It will be hard and there will be loads of tears. Don’t just leave it on GOD. God help those who help themselves.

    Good Luck Easter.

    Happy Mother’s Day 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you so much 🙂 I know that she is there… it has just been so many years of self-destruction. I am faithful that God will bring her back, but I have to let go of trying to control it. I have done intervention in so very many ways.. police, rehab programs, rehab in-house, counselors, psychologists, addiction specialists.. the list goes on, but bottom line is that all I can do is trust God and love & pray for her.. and be there when she is ready.
      Bless you lots,
      Easter

      Like

  9. I know your pain so very well. There aren’t any words that would comfort that hurt. You’ve done what you could not it’s out of your hands. All that’s left is prayer and that is always enough. Keep steadfast in your belief that she will hit bottom and find her way to crawl back up and when she get well she stays well.

    Like

    • Thank you so very, very much. That is the conclusion that I have reached. I can only pray and love until she is ready.
      God is steadfast and faithful, so I know that the time will come.

      Like

  10. Oh Easter. I haven’t Wisdom enough to know what to say to help, to guide, to encourage. I have no children of my own, but I can only imagine how painful this is for you. The prayer I wrote on Not Yours today, I shall Pray for You and for Your Sweet Daughter, to remember, every day. God’s Love WILL reach her. Where Two or More are Gathered in His Name!

    All my Love Surrounds you dear friend. Though we’ve never met in person, you are my sister through Him who brought us to this place at this point in time perhaps for this very purpose. If ever you need a shoulder, an ear to hear, do please email me
    paradisecage@hotmail.com

    Like

    • Your kind generosity is overwhelming.. thank you so very much. Yes, two or more. She needs the prayer so very much, this is where my hope lies.
      Bless you dear Morgan and I can be found at my name here at gmail ( I worry about the bot searchers)

      Like

  11. Easter, I send the warmest embrace. All during my struggles you’ve been so supportive, all the while, fighting your own battles. Now I understand what you meant about in catching up on your posts, I would read much. I shed tears for your strength. I shed tears of hope. I pray for strength for you and your family. Much love, Belinda

    Like

    • Oh Belinda, your kindness to me and what you said is overwhelming. I think of you every day and I pray for you. I’m sitting in a hospital room now in Toronto and wondering if you’ve been to this hospital as well. We all have our struggles, some worse than others, however, I think it is in sharing the struggles and reaching out with love to other people that we are able to get past our own inner struggles and heal from them. The Lord has blessed me here in this wonderful place with you, JM & MM and several others that have reached out in kindness, touched my heart in someway and show me that there is so much love in humanity still. Is so very encouraging to see people like you and to have befriended someone like you; to know that you’ve reached out beyond your own struggles to share your love, your kindness and your prayers.

      I cannot thank you enough,

      Lots of love Easter

      Like

      • I have been in hospital yes; but my struggles are nothing compared to many, and I am blessed. You are cared for a great deal, even on days when my arms and hands don’t express my heart. What you’re experiencing I’m thankful you have the strength to share, that’s how healing occurs, through love and support. I am here for you, among many to be sure. Warm embrace.

        Like

        • What a beautiful message to find on what has been the worst day so far. Thank you so very much. I understand when we look outside of our world, that we see so many who struggle so much more.

          You have truly blessed me. Thank you and much love to you.

          Easter

          You have such a beautiful spirit. Thank you for care, prayers and support. It means so much to me.

          Like

I love and appreciate feedback. Feel free to let me know what you think. Bless you lots, Easter Ellen

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