Secrets; Some Secrets are Better Kept
What’s the most significant secret you’ve ever kept? Did the truth ever come out?
Secrets that are Better Kept
Wow! Well; this is going to be another one of those very soul-baring questions. I’ve said it before, but I will say it again now. I have felt compelled to write this blog. I have been told be several people that I know that I should go back to writing and sharing.
Here are my rules:
- Be honest – even when it hurts. Someone, somewhere, may need to read the words that I am sharing. Even if it makes me squirmy, anxious and completely uncomfortable,
- Have fun – lots of fun along the way in connecting with others, playing with words and just being me.
- Follow what God has put in my spirit to share. No matter what I feel like the consequences for me may be, nor what others may think of me for having shared.
- Take risks; be creative in exploring new venues of sharing and don’t be afraid to try something new (II have so many ideas – just not the time).
- Just write it.
Ok. So having shared that with you, you will understand why I have chosen this as what I am going to post about. Am I squirming? Yes. Am I scared to write this? Yes. Could there be consequences with others that I share with in what they may think of me? Some yes, some no.
Here I go.
When I was 20 after a rather turbulent teen era, I met the man that I was going to marry. It didn’t work out, but at the time, all of my dreams and hopes were fresh and bursting with the sparkle of the morning dew laying its droplets on the sweetest of green blades of grass that were n the path I was walking. I was very young, very unworldly, and although academically I had done well, I just was not full of common sense and know-how.
We fell in like, enjoyed each others’ company and laughed a lot together. That is what I liked the best about him. I finally felt comfortable being myself around someone and it was him. He always had a quick line or smart remark that would make me laugh.
About six months into our relationship I got pregnant. I was so stupid and young. I was happy yet scared. He was mad. He did not want this baby and said that if I had it, his parents would say that I had gotten pregnant to “trap him into marriage”.
Without all of the emotional trauma that I went through in doing this.. I tell you with the greatest of shame that I had an abortion. It was something that I regretted even as it was happening. I was crying but chose my boyfriend’s love over the only thing that was right to do.
I will tell you more… I had several drewms about this child. A blond-haired, little boy with curls and blue eyes. Several dreams. I knew the baby that I chose to end the life of. To this day, I can hardly speak of it. Writing this I am shaking.
Why have I chosen to reveal this secret? Because although I tortured myself over this for more than a decade, praying and praying for forgiveness, I just could not believe that I could be forgiven for such a heinous sin. The worst of sins. Again, I am shaking as I write this… but.
But.. The love of God came to me many years later. I suffered over this in a way that I cannot even begin to tell you. I did not get over it. One day, while confession, I revealed my horrific secret. I was crying to the point of sobbing and the words were hardly comprehendible, in that they were so hard to say. Then, the love of God washed over me. He said “My child, I have forgiven you, yet you don’t believe me. You pray to have forgiveness now for more than ten years and I forgave your aching heart the minute that you asked for this. Yet, you pray on, as if I am not a loving and giving Father. As if your sin is too big for me to forgive. Why question my love? Why do you not have faith enough to know that you are forgiven, you are loved, and you are mine?”
The words resonated through my spirit in the most incredible way. I felt freed; as if a heavy burden had been lifted off of me and I felt the warmth of love spill over me in rippling tides of forgiveness, replacing my heavy shame and self-hatred with the love of a Father; the love of my Creator who knows my every thought before it is spoken and my every deed before it is done.
It took me a long time before I could share this with some family members and eventually with a few friends who needed to hear it at the time. I have only shared it when I thought that I could benefit someone’s life.
Although thinking about it, I can beat myself up over and over again, but, I must focus on the children that God has given me and love them in a way that they deserve to be loved.
Thanks for reading and I pray that I have not offended anyone. After this choice, I have been a pro-life supporter. Tis being because of the deep sorrow and suffering I felt on me after I had committed this horrible act.
May you be blessed and seek God in all that you do. His love has been the strength of my days.
PS – I am not going to reread this for the sake of editing because I am afraid that I may change my mind in what I am sharing and how I have put it., so please forgive me for spelling or grammatical errors.
And now I will push send before I change my mind.