Secrets; Some Secrets are Better Kept

 

From Today”s Daily Post Prompt – Evasive Action

What’s the most significant secret you’ve ever kept? Did the truth ever come out?

Secrets that are Better Kept

Wow! Well; this is going to be another one of those very soul-baring questions.  I’ve said it before, but I will say it again now.  I have felt compelled to write this blog.  I have been told be several people that I know that I should go back to writing and sharing.

Here are my rules:

  1. Be honest – even when it hurts.  Someone, somewhere, may need to read the words that I am sharing.   Even if it makes me squirmy, anxious and completely uncomfortable,
  2. Have fun – lots of fun along the way in connecting with others, playing with words and just being me.
  3. Follow what God has put in my spirit to share. No matter what I feel like the consequences for me may be, nor what others may think of me for having shared.
  4. Take risks; be creative in exploring new venues of sharing and don’t be afraid to try something new (II have so many ideas – just not the time).
  5. Just write it.

Ok.  So having shared that with you, you will understand why I have chosen this as what I am going to post about.  Am I squirming?  Yes.  Am I scared to write this?  Yes.  Could there be consequences with others that I share with in what they may think of me?  Some yes, some no.

Here I go.

When I was 20 after a rather turbulent teen era, I met the man that I was going to marry.  It didn’t work out, but at the time, all of my dreams and hopes were fresh and bursting with the sparkle of the morning dew laying its droplets on the sweetest of green blades of grass that were n the path I was walking.  I was very young, very unworldly, and although academically I had done well, I just was not full of common sense and know-how.

We fell in like, enjoyed each others’ company and laughed a lot together.  That is what I liked the best about him.  I finally felt comfortable being myself around someone and it was him.  He always had a quick line or smart remark that would make me laugh.

About six months into our relationship I got pregnant.  I was so stupid and young.  I was happy yet scared.  He was mad.   He did not want this baby and said that if I had it, his parents would say that I had gotten pregnant to “trap him into marriage”.

Without all of the emotional trauma that I went through in doing this.. I tell you with the greatest of shame that I had an abortion.  It was something that I regretted even as it was happening.  I was crying but chose my boyfriend’s love over the only thing that was right to do.

I will tell you more… I had several drewms about this child.  A blond-haired, little boy with curls and blue eyes.  Several dreams.  I knew the baby that I chose to end the life of.  To this day, I can hardly speak of it.  Writing this I am shaking.

Why have I chosen to reveal this secret?  Because although I tortured myself over this for more than a decade, praying and praying for forgiveness, I just could not believe that I could be forgiven for such a heinous sin.  The worst of sins.  Again, I am shaking as I write this… but.

But.. The love of God came to me many years later.  I suffered over this in a way that I cannot even begin to tell you.  I did not get over it.  One day, while confession, I revealed my horrific secret. I was crying to the point of sobbing and the words were hardly comprehendible, in that they were so hard to say.  Then, the love of God washed over me.  He said “My child, I have forgiven you, yet you don’t believe me.  You pray to have forgiveness now for more than ten years and I forgave your aching heart the minute that you asked for this.  Yet, you pray on, as if I am not a loving and giving Father.  As if your sin is too big for me to forgive.  Why question my love?  Why do you not have faith enough to know that you are forgiven, you are loved, and you are mine?”

The words resonated through my spirit in the most incredible way.  I felt freed; as if a heavy burden had been lifted off of me and I felt the warmth of love spill over me in rippling tides of forgiveness, replacing my heavy shame and self-hatred with the love of a Father; the love of my Creator who knows my every thought before it is spoken and my every deed before it is done.

It took me a long time before I could share this with some family members and eventually with a few friends who needed to hear it at the time.  I have only shared it when I thought that I could benefit someone’s life.

Although thinking about it, I can beat myself up over and over again, but, I must focus on the children that God has given me and love them in a way that they deserve to be loved.

Thanks for reading and I pray that I have not offended anyone.  After this choice, I have been a pro-life supporter.  Tis being because of the deep sorrow and suffering I felt on me after I had committed this horrible act.

May you be blessed and seek God in all that you do.  His love has been the strength of my days.

Easter Ellen

PS – I am not going to reread this for the sake of editing because I am afraid that I may change my mind in what I am sharing and how I have put it., so please forgive me for spelling or grammatical errors.   

And now I will push send before I change my mind.

13 Comments on “Secrets; Some Secrets are Better Kept

  1. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story/secret with us. I can’t imagine the pain you went through but I know that God has so much grace, love, and forgiveness for all of those mistakes we make in life that we repent for.

    And all of the pain we go through with Him we can use as a testimony and encouragement to others as they go through the same issues in life. May you continue to find your joy and peace in Christ and use your story to encourage the many girls that may be thinking about abortion. Hope you have a blessed week! 🙂

    Like

  2. Pingback: What’s the Most Significant Secret I’ve Ever Kept? | Cheri Speak

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  4. I had to read your story before I replied to your comment on my blog. Your story will help others heal. Thank you for sharing it. Bieve if or not I needed to hear it.

    Like

  5. Oh sweetie thank-you for sharing this post here. Please know that you as you heal and write you help others, so many women. Many hugs and you are my friend xx

    Like

  6. A very intense and personal post and I would like to applaud you for your courage in posting it.

    This journey which we call life is one huge learning experience. It is left to each one of us how we accept that experience. We may choose to fight reality and feel miserable with all that has happened. Or we may choose to appreciate the experience and move on.

    Shakti

    Like

    • Hi Shakti,

      Thank you for your very warm words of encouragement. Yes, it was difficult to share that story, but in my deciding to blog and write again, I knew that the “uglies” would come out. I just feel that when they do, there could be someone who needs to hear it, no matter how I make myself look in writing it.
      Bless you and thank you for your warmth,
      Easter

      Like

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  8. i deeply respect your willingness to share this experience, Ellen. no matter which side of the abortion issue one stands on, it took great courage for you to he so open and honest.

    Like

    • Thank you very much Dani. You caught one of the things that made this so difficult to post in that it is such a controversial issue and many people have deeply intense feelings about it.

      Thank you for reading and for your comment..
      Easter

      Like

  9. Let me just commend you and say bravo because something so private is frightening to share especially somewhat publicly on a blog. Oddly enough when I read this daily prompt that was the first thing that came to mind because I too experienced this in my oh so young years and made the same choice. Although I am secure in that choice as it would have been no life at all for that child, I know this is a highly sensitive issue for most women. I truly respect the right to choose because I have lived in those shoes and know that it will never be my place to judge. And although I am not prone to affiliate with a specific organized religion I am a believer and a highly spiritual and faithful person. I could not bring myself to write about it and be public about it and you my dear should feel NO shame at all. It was the right choice for you at the time and it will not be held against you. You should not be so hard on yourself and thank you for the brutally open read 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you so much for your open sharing as well. To me, it was just so difficult and I know of others that went through similar pain, so I felt that I had to share.
      I thank you so much for your shoulder and kind words.. it means a lot to me,
      Easter

      Like

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I love and appreciate feedback. Feel free to let me know what you think. Bless you lots, Easter Ellen

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