Losing You Dear Daddy
December 29, 1991
Last night was so hard. Your hand reached for me begging me to stay with you. But I had to eat, I was faint with dizziness and so tired from the baby. I left to get supper. The nurse stopped me in the hall and told me that you did not have much time left. I cried, but said I would be right back.
After sitting with you the last few hours, and being nine-months pregnant, I needed to go. That time was so precious. You told me to stay strong and that Mommy and the kids needed me. You told me how much you have always been proud of me.. “The Great Brain”. Whatever was great in my brain certainly was inspired by both you and mom..
Your beautiful blue eyes were so full of love and fear. You had suffered so very long and been so alone in the last months.
You told me that you loved Mommy very much and to tell her so. You said that no matter how much it may have seemed otherwise through the years, that you have always loved her and that you are sorry for the times that you hurt her. You said that I had to take care of the kids. To make sure that they know you love them so much.
You could barely speak as I left and you were trying to say something to me as I left and I could not tell if you were saying “peace” or “please”. I cried and cried but I had to leave for a little bit.
Oh Daddy… If I could take back time.. I would have stayed. I should have stayed. You were still alive when I came back an hour later, but you never spoke to me again. I talked to you and prayed to God so that you could hear me. I begged you to give your heart to God. I told you that there was no sin too big for God to forgive and that I needed you to go to Heaven. Please, Daddy, please, please, please pray in your spirit. It is never too late. Your eyes teared and I believed that you were going to be ok at your time to pass… this was it. I held your hand and I sat and loved you. Just loved you. Wishing I could keep you longer, praying that God would make it painless for you.
Gus was with me and we saw it getting harder for you as the fluids kept winning over the air-space in your lungs. The gurgling broke my heart… I am so sorry that I couldn’t do anything to make it better, but pray.
Finally you left me just before midnight but they clocked your official time as just after midnight. They were wrong.
I wish that I could hear you call me SweetPea just one more time.
I love you forever Daddy