Follow up to “How does He feel?”
For those that may have already read the previous post, I thought that I should perhaps shed some light on why I had chosen to share something so personal in explaining some of the challenges I am going through when indeed I was actually quite uncomfortable doing so. As I say below, I truly hesitated to so, even feeling embarrassed at some of the issues that are more challenging to me right now. Please see below as I shed some more light on what the purpose of my sharing a bit about the struggles in my life was.
I really hesitated to post this as I felt a little.. exposed in my most vulnerable places, but I decided to post it not so that others can see the place that I am struggling through right now but rather so that they could see the revelation that I had that night in understanding a side of God that we don’t usually think about.
It is easy for us to think about how much He loves us, how He created the Heavens and Earth, how to ask Him for what we need or pray for others needs or other supplication, but how often do we contemplate His own grief? How often do we think of hard it would be to watch the very ones that birthed in your heart choosing everything from how many hairs on their head to how much sparkle in the eye, what shape the baby toe will be and how many birth marks, freckles and dimples to put on a body. How would it be to watch someone that you love so much and made from the love of your heart… someone that you had planned a future for and had planned the joys, hardships, number of children, etc for, turn their back on you; mock you; reject you or put you second to another vice such as occult, addiction or pornography.
I have seen how hard it is as a mother to watch one of my children destroying her own life and it feels like I am indeed walking in the valley of the shadow of death at times.. feeling I have failed her, feeling that I should be able to do something.
I have watched a man that agrees he is my soul mate, who loves me more than he loved his wife of seven years leave me because my life circumstances (including the child that is so challenging) are not the life circumstances that he wants to have. (Please note that I do not carry resentment over this however, it hurts me as much as I believe losing a child would hurt.) I am hurting to the point of raw, ripping pain over it knowing that even as he ends this, he loves me more than he even thought he could love and has blessed my life tremendously.
How much more would it hurt our Lord to have the breath of His heart, those He loves, nurtures and delights over, choose to abandon Him for what they believe is something better?
My heart felt an overwhelming sense of understanding of His grief at that moment and asked Him "How do you do it???" I cannot begin to understand what it would be like to have the children of your very own heart choose a path that would bring them to eternal hurt instead of one where they are surrounded in love and beauty eternally.
I truly felt that I heard in my heart that this is only a small glimpse into the mourning He has over His own beloved children.