How does He do it?


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I wonder how He feels Jan 24, 2009


I sit in my room, alone on my bed. It has been a difficult start to the New Year for me. I have been feeling worse and worse to the point that I have only worked a half day so far. My illness seems to have just worsened either from complete exhaustion, the fighting (and often losing) to a serious depression that has invited itself in amid the challenges I have. Either way, I simply have not felt well at all.

So here I am completely miserable. My daughter is losing to drug addiction (I have complete faith that she will be healed), my finances are a shambles, I am looking to take a month or two more off to get well and then go back as a part-time employee with 1/2 my salary. My one son won’t go to school and eldest daughter stopped, despite tremendous effort on my part, going all together since she was finished grade six. My little one does not like school either and I am starting to think that she begins her planning several days in advance to contrive one ailment, sprain or headache each time.

I have lost my beloved. Maybe just for now, but now is now and now I don’t have him other than in heart. This is the first time in more than three years that I have not had his voice loving me on the other end of the phone for day and night and often we would speak for hours on end. With that fact alone, I am broken to pieces and scared that this despondency is too deep for me to easily battle. I feel as if my soul has been severed in losing him.

So I am aching, paining, hurting in mind, spirit and body. I am stressed, I am worried and I am sick and broke.

I walk to the other room and start to pray while heading back to my bed about all that is on my mind. Especially Gerry at that moment as the pain is so very raw. Horribly raw. "Lord, how do you do this? How do you see the ones that you love so very much… the ones that you gave your very life for refuse your love? Lord how do you bear living and dying for them as you have the purist and most sacrificial love for them and then they turn their back to find something better? How do you bear that Lord? I cannot bear one beautiful man doing this to me when he loves me so much? How do you do it? How do you deal with seeing your others mock you or turn to other vices like drugs and addiction? How do you see the children that you have created, that you have called by name mock you, disrespect you and dishonour you? Lord, I don’t know how to take the pain of wanting my daughter better and when she curses me or calls me those horrible names, I am so crushed. Lord, how do you, with your pure love and pure heart bear this?"

All of the sudden I just felt His presence. It washed over me like the best kind of rush. I had goosepimples all over and I heard "… and now you have yet a tiny glimpse into my life." My heart breaks knowing that you must deal with the things that hurt me billions of times over. I can only grieve for being one of the ones that breaks His heart, but I must strive to please him. For even as we sin, He is already ready to forgive. I am amazed.

I love and appreciate feedback. Feel free to let me know what you think. Bless you lots, Easter Ellen

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