On depression – sharing my experience
Many of you know that I have fought a battle with depression and overcome it. Not that it does not try to slip into my world every once in a while, but more that I now understand it from the outside looking in instead of from the inside looking in. In my experience with depression, that is what it is. To describe it, I would say that I liken it to going on a vacation in your mind. You are in your normal life, but things just seem to.. well go slower in your head while life is speeding around you. Your thoughts seem to just go numb. They take time to process. The deeper you go, the worse this gets. It is like the words you hear take time to seep in. One at a time words drift into your head until you have this “oh.. yeah” thought. Reacting is done as in slow motion. The world loses its perspective to you on time and space. After a while, you start to feel like you are in a void. It is dark and soothing. You feel better because you just don’t feel. Life is easier because you just are so far removed from it that you react only when things get through. A cave in your mind. Your own little piece of the universe far away from the world, the sun and all that weighs you down. A trip back to the womb.. dark, floating, nothingness. A heartbeat, a numbness, a chance to just exist with nothing and nobody. Just breathing. That is all you have to do. That is your job that is your function that is the only thing that matters, remember to breathe.. So calm.. so sweet this nothingness.. so tired… The fading feels so good.
Many people do not realize that they are even slipping into depression. I realized, after falling into a deep one last year, that I had actually been in early stages many times in my life. I used to call it my “Cocooning Days”. I would call them that because I felt that the best I could do those days was get to work, come home, feed the kids, crawl into bed and then just lie there. I did not want TV, music, books or conversation. I just wanted to hide in my little nest to help me get through the rest of the night. My own little world where I could feign functioning. (Well I was barely functioning, but in my mistaken perception, that is how I viewed it.)
Last year, God gave me a revelation in how to handle this spiritually. I know that depression is often treated with chemicals and that is a route that I tried and just felt number to be honest, but the truth is that this is a spiritual battle that you need to allow God to pull you out of. It comes under many names, but it is all under the blanket of depression.
Don’t wait for the thought or the word to label it. As I said, it comes under many different labels, many names, many guises. It is the spirit of oppression. You do not even need to know that, but there is something that you can train your spirit to tune into the very second that it hits you. All of these attacks on our mental and spiritual well-being use the same tactic. The put a numbness of feeling, slight disorientation, a feeling of inability to think sharply and function properly. It is a veil that falls over your mind like a net. THAT is what you will recognize EVEN as it is falling and approaching your mind and spirit. The very second that you feel the heaviness – it is like you are walking in the sunshine and suddenly a fog is before you – you will sense it within a second – that very moment call out as loudly as you can and praise God. I know… you can’t even speak when you go deep enough into that place, but you can still utter the name of Jesus. You KNOW that there will be a raging battle to keep your eyes off of God during this whole time. This veil tricks us into thinking that we think we have our eyes on God while we can get to the point where we cannot even form the words to put together to pray to Him for help. It is truly a brilliant strategy, but God equipped us to victor over it. “Put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, lift up your hearts to God. Praise in the spirit and with understanding. Magnify the Lord”. Hard to do when you feel discouraged, defeated or overwhelmed but learn to sharpen your discernment of this and you have gained a tremendous victory and wiped out an entire battalion of forces that would wreck havoc in your head, heart and spirit. It only takes the utterance of His name and it slashes the forces that are bringing you down.
God is so good. Even if you get so discouraged that you can barely call out to Him in faith just remember.. His are the mountains to move and yours is that tiny little mustard seed that is to call out His name.