Where are you Nane?

I remember the first time I held you. Those eyes. The same as now in how they look at me. So penetrating yet gaurded. You were born like that. You just knew. You were different. You did not look around and gaze at the bright lights. You did not look at the sweet nurse nor the friendly doctor. You did not look to the hall or the window. Your eyes locked on mine. You searched and locked. You won me heart and soul at that very minute. At that moment my whole life changed and everything in my life became you. You were very difficult as a baby in that you were very demanding. Always insisting on my every ounce of attention, I delighted in your every smile, your every giggle, your every word, your every gaze into my eyes.

You grew but stayed demanding, insisting on me colouring with you, watching movies with you, baking with you, doing crafts with you. I sang you and your brothers to sleep every night. You loved my broken voice and told me I sound like the angels. I delighted in you. I lived to make every day and every occasion special to you. I would spend weeks planning your birthdays and Christmas shopping started months before hand. I planned Christmas crafts, Christmas cookies, Christmas gingerbread houses, Christmas calendars and Christmas meals months ahead to make sure that there was something special for you to do through out the entire Christmas season.

Really all I wanted was for you to have good memories.

As you grew, you became my best firend. You even started to listen to the same music as me. You worshipped with me and prayed with me. You would cheer me on the bad days with your dad and you would make me feel loved when I was hated. I would hold you on your bad days with your dad and I would love you always – even when you felt most hated. You got me back to church and got me focused on God in a new way.

You loved me. I loved you.

And then you left me. Physically here but not who I know. Not who I love. I look in your eyes and it is only on very rare occasions that I am not looking into the eyes of a stranger. Only on very rare occasions do you spend time with me to do more than to take money, demand money, manipulate me for money, bribe me for money. I don’t know you. I don’t like who you have become. I hate what is happening to you.

I feel helpless in trying to love who you are at the core vs the monster in you that I hate.

God forgive me for saying the truth, but it is the truth. God has promised you, my Elleni, back to me. So I wait. I break. I fuck up. I hate myself for hating you. But I do. I just want my daughter back. I watch you in your self and every one else destructive mode. You have no respect for anyone or anything anymore. I just want you back. The girl who cared. Who loved. Who laughed with me, who atched Touched by an Angel with me. Who slept in my bed and shared her dreams with me. Who would cry in my arms. Who would laugh for hours with me. Who would shop with me. Who would pretend to enjoy all the stupid presents even though she hated them just because she knew that I had started shopping in July for her Christmas gifts. Who would sit through endless stupid movies with me just because I used to watch it with my dad. Who would show me her crafts with delight. Who would share her day with me – the hurt and the good.

Where are you butterfly?

8 Comments on “Where are you Nane?

  1. Hello again ,I forgot how much you had and have to say means so much to me.Hate is not something that someone with a heart of passion as yours truly can feel.Just remember that she is a gift from God to you that somedays you may want to return.Just remember as they grow they want to test everything and everyone,and that leaves us feeling like we have lost our gift.Parents are never right and their friends know all the answers think back to the days when we knew it all and could take on the world and nothing could stop us untill one day it hits us…Give her time and space as hard as it my be.Just be there for her and never stop loving the gift that you were givin as she will oneday the sand that stands before you will be your pearl again.When parents split we always rely on our eldest ones to help and pick up the slack but they get to a point when they just can’t do it any more and they start to rebell .You once told me that the tests we are given are GODS will this is one of those tests…NEVER GIVE UP cause I know you still love her with all your heart you just dont know what to do with this new person she has become love her as GODS loves you and all will be well..try some mommy and me time,and keep reminding her how much she means to you and how much you love her,remember GODS love is on your side and thank GOD for this test.I must run now remember we are never alone .

    PS give yourself a big hug for me.



    • 🙂

      Thabnk you so much Gord. That means a lot to me. I do not at all hate her, I just hate how our relationship is or hate some of the uglier moments, or hate how she can drive me up the wall effortlessly.


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I love and appreciate feedback. Feel free to let me know what you think. Bless you lots, Easter Ellen

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