Where are you Nane?
I remember the first time I held you. Those eyes. The same as now in how they look at me. So penetrating yet gaurded. You were born like that. You just knew. You were different. You did not look around and gaze at the bright lights. You did not look at the sweet nurse nor the friendly doctor. You did not look to the hall or the window. Your eyes locked on mine. You searched and locked. You won me heart and soul at that very minute. At that moment my whole life changed and everything in my life became you. You were very difficult as a baby in that you were very demanding. Always insisting on my every ounce of attention, I delighted in your every smile, your every giggle, your every word, your every gaze into my eyes.
You grew but stayed demanding, insisting on me colouring with you, watching movies with you, baking with you, doing crafts with you. I sang you and your brothers to sleep every night. You loved my broken voice and told me I sound like the angels. I delighted in you. I lived to make every day and every occasion special to you. I would spend weeks planning your birthdays and Christmas shopping started months before hand. I planned Christmas crafts, Christmas cookies, Christmas gingerbread houses, Christmas calendars and Christmas meals months ahead to make sure that there was something special for you to do through out the entire Christmas season.
Really all I wanted was for you to have good memories.
As you grew, you became my best firend. You even started to listen to the same music as me. You worshipped with me and prayed with me. You would cheer me on the bad days with your dad and you would make me feel loved when I was hated. I would hold you on your bad days with your dad and I would love you always – even when you felt most hated. You got me back to church and got me focused on God in a new way.
You loved me. I loved you.
And then you left me. Physically here but not who I know. Not who I love. I look in your eyes and it is only on very rare occasions that I am not looking into the eyes of a stranger. Only on very rare occasions do you spend time with me to do more than to take money, demand money, manipulate me for money, bribe me for money. I don’t know you. I don’t like who you have become. I hate what is happening to you.
I feel helpless in trying to love who you are at the core vs the monster in you that I hate.
God forgive me for saying the truth, but it is the truth. God has promised you, my Elleni, back to me. So I wait. I break. I fuck up. I hate myself for hating you. But I do. I just want my daughter back. I watch you in your self and every one else destructive mode. You have no respect for anyone or anything anymore. I just want you back. The girl who cared. Who loved. Who laughed with me, who atched Touched by an Angel with me. Who slept in my bed and shared her dreams with me. Who would cry in my arms. Who would laugh for hours with me. Who would shop with me. Who would pretend to enjoy all the stupid presents even though she hated them just because she knew that I had started shopping in July for her Christmas gifts. Who would sit through endless stupid movies with me just because I used to watch it with my dad. Who would show me her crafts with delight. Who would share her day with me – the hurt and the good.
Where are you butterfly?